A Birthday CelebrationHellsing Style
by Crystalline-Twilight
Summary: Integra's birthday is near, and the entire Hellsing manor helps prepare for the surprise celebration. All except for a certain undead vampire king, who gets himself into all kinds of mischief while wandering unsupervised through the Hellsing mansion.
1. Bad Blood

Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing or any of the characters. Except for Sarah, but she's kind of just a random staff member.

The entire Hellsing organization was busy preparing for the celebration of the birthday of its highly esteemed leader, Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing. It was going to be a very large affair, taking days in advance to plan and prepare for the party and decorate the Hellsing manor. Lucky, there hadn't been many freak attacks lately, leaving many of the soldiers and staff stuck with party detail.

They had gotten Integra out of the Hellsing manor by having her summoned to a Round Table Conference held in the northern part of the country. They had all week to prepare until Integra returned on the day of her birthday. Sera's had gotten the idea, so she immediately recruited Walter and the two took charge of the preparation. 

Walter had worked on the catering and gathering supplies, while Seras Victoria had directed the staff on the placement of decorations and sending out invitations. Alucard, meanwhile, had spent most of his time trying to avoid the attention of Walter and the police girl, hoping to not get stuck with any of the work. 

"Ok, I want you to hang these balloons up there in that corner," Seras directed a random female staff member, "And I want that birthday banner over there above the door."

"Yes ma'am." The staff member, whom we'll call Sarah, nodded to Seras as she climbed the ladder propped against the wall. It was difficult climbing, as she was carrying the balloons up with her, but she managed to climb high enough until her head was nearly against the ceiling. 

She began to tape the multi-colored balloons to the frigid stone walls when she had the unpleasant feeling of being watched. She glanced up to the ceiling, a mere foot above her head. There hung the upper half of Alucard, upside-down and watching her like a curious kitten. He was poking some of the balloons she had already hung up like they were the most curious thing he'd ever seen before. Sarah screamed in fright, throwing colored balloons everywhere in her mad scramble back down the ladder. 

"Oops…" muttered Alucard, realizing he'd scared the poor woman nearly to death and had gotten the attention of everyone in the room. He quickly made his retreat back into the stony wall.

Walter, meanwhile, was trying to calm the poor woman. He noticed that she was new to the Hellsing staff, one of the many new people hired after the Valentine brothers' incident.

"It's alright, miss, that was just our resident vampire Alucard. He doesn't mean any harm, he just likes to play tricks like that sometimes." Walter assured the woman.

After that incident, Alucard decided it'd be best to avoid the staff for awhile, instead wandering silently through the lower levels of the Hellsing mansion. But he could only take it for so long before boredom once again set in.

"I'll just go take a peek and see how it's going up there," thought Alucard as he made his way up the stairs and into the main hall.

Walter had placed all the food on long, white-clothed tables in the middle of the main hall. The entire room was decorated in brightly colored balloons and streamers, and the gifts for Integra were piled high on a round table in the corner of the room.

Alucard peered around the dim, candle-lit room. He stepped into the main hall, strolling around and nodding in approvement of the décor. "The police girl did a fairly decent job, not too bad," he observed. 

He stopped in the center of the room, looking up and down the long tables at the different array of food and beverage. A cheerful grin lit his face when he saw a large bottle filled with a familiar red substance. 

"I'm sure no one would mind if I 'borrowed' this. The police girl can get her own later, this one's mine!" He took a quick glance around the room to be certain no one would see him, then hastily hid the bottle inside his red coat. He took a final glance around, then whistled merrily as he made his way back to his own room.

Once he was safe within his own room, he took the bottle of red liquid out of his coat and sat down in his high-backed chair. He casually threw one leg over the arm of the chair as he opened the bottle. He downed half of it in one gulp before he began to gag. "What the hell IS this? It's terrible! How could they possibly expect anyone to drink this? It's thin and watery, and tastes like crap! They'll take blood donations from anyone, nowadays!" Alucard complained to the empty room. He angrily swirled the liquid inside the bottle as he continued to gripe about humans and their standards.

~Meanwhile, back upstairs~

"Miss Victoria, have you seen the bottle of red wine that was on the table? I'd swear I'd put it right here, but it seems to have gone missing, now." Walter said as he moved bottles around, searching for the missing one. 

"Sorry, Walter, I haven't seen it," Seras replied as she continued directing the décor staff, "Are you certain you even brought it out here?" she questioned, raising an eyebrow at the Hellsing family butler. 

"Yes, yes, quite certain. It was right here, I remember bringing it out with the other bottles." He looked up from his work to see Seras' frown. "I am not that old yet, Miss Victoria." Walter retorted to her unspoken sentiment. He huffed angrily and made his way back into the kitchen, to search for the missing bottle.

~Back in Alucard's room~

Alucard was busy yelling at the now-shattered bottle on the floor of his room. He couldn't remember what the offending bottle had done, or even why he was yelling at it, but he knew that it deserved to be yelled at. 

"Yooouu taste…like crrrrap," he announced, pointing at the broken bits of the empty bottle littering the floor, "And I…I am leaving yoou now, to go……somewhere else," he finished slurring, staggering towards his door. He ran full into the closed door with a loud 'crack' that reverberated throughout the entire Hellsing manor.

"Oopsis," he laughed, bending over to pick up his fallen hat. He leaned over a bit to far and fell to the floor, landing on his stomach beside the hat. He lay there for a few minutes, deciding which of the two hats he should pick up. He reached for the one on the right, deciding that it looked nicer then the one on the left. His eyes opened wide in shock when his hand went through the hat, his jaw nearly hitting the floor.

"Whoa…That's neato…" He reached again for the hat, and again his hand went right through it. He giggled as his hand went through it again and again. He stayed that way for several minutes before getting angry and going for the hat on the left. After getting the same result, he decided to forget the hat. 

He tried to stand, but found it rather difficult, so he got to his knees instead. Gripping the doorframe for support, he got to his feet. Laughing at his triumph, he made his way through the door. And promptly tripped over his hat, ending up back on the floor. He angrily grabbed for both hats, finally finding one that seemed completely solid, and put it on his head crookedly. He again got to his feet, with some difficulty, and made his way drunkenly up to the main level. 

Sarah had finally gotten over her encounter with Alucard earlier that morning, and was once again happily decorating the Hellsing manor for Sir Integra's birthday celebration. She was, at the moment, in the main entrance hall hanging banners that said 'Surprise!' and 'Happy Birthday, Sir Integra!'. 

She was at the top of a ladder hanging the birthday banner on the wall of the stairwell so it'd be the first thing Integra saw when she came into the manor, when Alucard walked into the room. Well, staggered into the room, looking quite disheveled and with his hat on crooked.

At first, Sarah tried to ignore him, as Walter had suggested she do, but it was hard to ignore a dead, staggering vampire as he walked through a room. She continued to hang the banner, even as she heard repeated 'thunks' from below her. 

Finally, unable to take it anymore, she glanced down to the ground, intending to yell at Alucard for annoying her while she worked. Instead, the complaint died on her lips as she saw the vampire king repeatedly walking into the stone wall. She watched curiously as he ran into the wall, was knocked back a few steps, and walked again into the wall, muttering something unintelligible the entire time.

Unsure if this was normal behavior for a vampire, and very creeped out by the whole affair, she carefully climbed down the ladder and crept out of the room, her banner left half-hung. 

Alucard, having not even noticed Sarah, continued to walk into the wall. "Gotta…go find some more….of that crrrrappppy blood," he giggled, ramming his head against the wall. "Crrrrapppppy….Cccccrrrappppy….Ca-rap-pie!!!" he finished, finally collapsing to the floor in a giggling fit. 

After much giggling, he got back to his feet and remembered that he could always just walk into the main hall, he didn't necessarily have to go through the wall. He looked around the room, unsure which way the main hall was. He knew it was in the manor, somewhere, but he couldn't remember where. He staggered off in the opposite direction that Sarah had gone, on a mission to find some more of the crappy, watery blood.

Ok, that's it for Chapter One. Hope someone laughed, or at least found it amusing. It's my first time writing any sort of fanfic, and I thought humor would be the best way to go with it. I know vampires can't really get drunk, so please no flames about that minor detail. It's just a humorous, 'what-if' fic. Anyways, please review and let me know what you think. Suggestions or comments would be welcome. 'Til next time =^.^=


	2. Are you my Mommy?

Ok everyone, here's chapter 2, as promised!

Sanx: Thanks, I'm glad you find it funny =^.^=

Bleh: Well, we'll just pretend it's really strong wine, I didn't think beer would look quite 

like blood.

Munch's GunAngel: Read on!

Meaghan: I updated.

Lazeralk: 0.0 down Shadow!

Holi-CAT: Hehe, thanks, I hope you like this chapter as well.

Ganymede: Thank you, I do hope to add a few more chapters yet.

Arika*: Yeah, the Epilogue will be lots of fun to write when Alucard realizes what he's done. I'll try to add more detail for you if you'd like, cuz yeah, I have no artistic talent what-so-ever.

Thanks to all who reviewed, your comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated! Onward with chapter 2!

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Seras Victoria had been leading her troops in an assault on the west wing of the Hellsing Manor, hanging balloons, banners and other assorted decorations for Sir Integra's celebration. She now stood in the doorway of the room, hands on her hips as she passed a critical eye over the 'battle' thus far.

__

'Not to bad at all,' thought Seras, one tiny fang showing in a pleased grin, '_Even Sir Integra_ _will have trouble finding fault with this room.' _she thought proudly.

Red vampiric orbs suddenly narrowed as she detected a slight problem with a banner on the far wall. A frown appeared on the young vampires face as she pointed to the problem.

"Could someone straighten that banner, please? It's a tad to low on the right side." She asked sweetly, trying to hide her displeasure.

One of the new staff members nearest her quickly gave a half-bow. "Y-Yes Ma'am, r-right away." he stammered before scampering off, eager to get away from the vampiress.

Seras sighed heavily, putting one gloved hand to her face. '_I wish they wouldn't be so afraid of me, I've done nothing to warrant their fear._' A sudden image of her Master came unbidden into her mind and she grinned in understanding. She never understood what could be so fun in terrorizing other people, but her Master seemed to live for it. 

She unconsciously smiled at the thought of her Master, her little fangs showing in a menacing way that frightened any who happened to see her at that moment.

As she stood grinning in the doorway, a hard _crack!_ reverberated throughout the room from the opposite direction of Seras, who was immediately startled from her daydreaming. Everyone stopped their work and went silent, staring in the direction of the noise, to afraid to go out and investigate.

A muttered 'Ouch!' was heard by all inside the room, followed by a stumbling and very drunken vampire in a bright red coat and a wide brimmed matching red hat set crookedly upon his head.

The staff stood in stunned silence as they watched the cause of many of their sleepless nights (as well as headaches...), staggered and fell into a graceless heap on the floor.

Seras, who up to this point had been in shock, quickly ran to her fallen Master's side, believing him to be wounded. She frantically began to search for any sign of injury on her Master.

"Master! Master what happened, are you all right? Are we under attack? Oh Master, please say something!" Seras pleaded with her unresponsive Master.

Alucard looked up at Seras, trying to focus his eyes on his loyal servant. He opened his mouth to try and speak, but only managed a hiccup.

Seras stared in shock as a large black bat emerged from her Master's mouth, wings flapping drunkenly as it flew up towards the ceiling, where it flew in wide circles. Everyone watched the bat as it flew in gradually increasing circles, until it hit the side wall with a _thwack!_

The staff exploded in laughter at this, unable to hold it back any longer. A few were bold enough to point at the fallen vampire king as he lay on the stone floor, Seras kneeling beside him. The young man who had gone to straighten the banner fell off his ladder, clutching his stomach as he rolled on the floor in gales of laughter.

Seras, meanwhile, had gotten her Master to his feet and helped him towards the hallway outside the door amid the laugher of the staff. Unable to take the insult to her Master any longer, she turned a deadly glare over her shoulder, fangs bared and hissing. It was a glare her Master would have been proud of, had he been sober enough to remember it.

The staff immediately went silent, quaking in fear. They quickly hurried back to their decorating, avoiding looking at the door the vampire duo had disappeared through.

Once they were out in the hallway, Seras gently lowered her Master to the floor, leaning his back against the hard stone wall, which he promptly fell through. Seras heard a scream of sheer terror from the other side of the wall and her Master's chuckle of amusement as she stared at the half of her Master that was still on her side of the wall. She quickly grabbed Alucard's legs and pulled him fully back into the hallway.

Once completely back in the hallway, Alucard lay sprawled on his back, giggling at the ceiling. Seras stood at her Master's side, looking down at him in confusion and trying to decide if he'd finally gone mad after all.

Alucard narrowed his eyes and squinted back up at Seras. He suddenly broke into a foolish grin as his eyes flew open wide in recognition.

"Mommy!" he yelled, throwing himself around Sera's legs. "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!"

"Aaaaaaaahhh!" Seras screamed as she fell to the floor, Alucard wrapped around her legs. She frantically tried to scramble away from her insane Master, but he had a deathgrip on her.

"M-master! What's gotten -ung!- into you?!" Seras cried as she tried to pry Alucard off of her.

Alucard, however, seemed to pay her no mind as he continued calling her 'Mommy'.

"Master, please, I'm not your mother! Your dead, you have no 'Mommy'! Besides, even if you were still alive, your mother would have died centuries ago!" Seras pleaded desperately.

At this, Alucard went silent and looked up at Seras, tears in his red vampiric eyes.

Seras almost felt bad for her Master, but was to confused by his behavior at the moment to pay much mind to her emotions.

Alucard let go of Seras and got to his feet, sniffling. A tear rolled down this cheek as he muttered a final, pitiful "Mommy..." before turning and staggering into the wall. Seras made to get up and help him again, but he recovered and staggered away. 

Seras remained on the floor, slack-jawed and confused, watching her Master's retreating form.

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Yay! End of chapter 2. I'm planning for the next chapter to be Alucard's encounter with Walter, but I've yet to write it. Oh well, I'll plan for it to be up sometime soon. Thanks again for all the comments and suggestions, please keep them coming! 'Til next time =^.^= 


	3. May I Borrow That?

Yay for me, I'm still alive! I thought for sure with all the death threats people have been sending me I wouldn't have lived this long. What's with that? If I don't update, people will send anime hit men to come and get me?! Your all so violent, but that's why I love you, right? Anyways, if you really want to know why I haven't updated recently, you can all go and blame that-fan for their wonderful Hellsing fic, 'A New Red Start'. I've been hooked on it and I can't stop reading it, meaning that I haven't been working on my own story for some time now. That's my excuse and I'm sticking with it. = . =

Despite the utter chaos taking place in the west wing of the Hellsing manor, Walter C. Dornez strolled through the east wing, accompanied by a very shaken Sarah, who had fled to him after her last encounter with our inebriated hero.

"He's gone much to far, even for his usual pranks. He must think he's free to do as he pleases with Sir Integra gone. If he keeps this up, we will be the only four members remaining in this organization." Walter fumed silently, his face a calm mask over his growing anger towards the resident vampire.

Sarah, meanwhile, followed meekly behind Walter, nervously glancing into rooms as they passed by. After fleeing from Alucard, she had run into Walter, who was mumbling something about senility and wine as he rummaged through a cabinet full of liquor.

Deciding that she would leave him with his alcohol, Sarah began to back slowly out of the room. Unfortunately, she hadn't noticed the big fluffy rug in front of the door, and now tripped on it as she made her way silently out. Luckily for her, though, she caught herself on the doorframe before landing on the stone floor.

Walter turned at the unexpected disturbance, a bottle of wine in each hand as he rose to his feet. "Oh, Miss Sarah! Forgive me, I didn't hear you enter. Is there something I can assist you with?"

Sarah looked uncertain from the bottle to Walter, and back again, unsure if the man was sober at the moment. Sure, he looked like he was alright, but so did that walking corpse, until he started walking into the walls.

"Ah...yes, well, this isn't what it looks like. These aren't _mine_," he hastily explained, noticing Sarah's look of apprehension, "I haven't been _drinking_ any of these! I was merely looking for a certain...vintage...for the...party." Walter muttered, trailing off near the end as he realized how stupid he must sound. He quickly put the bottles back into the cabinet, feeling nervous under the suspicious stare of the young servant. '_Wonderful,'_ thought Walter, '_Now they'll think I'm senile _and _an alcoholic...'_

Sarah stared apprehensively at the muttering retainer as she tried to decide whether to talk to Walter or make a run for it while she could. Before she could bolt, Walter broke the silence between them, repeating his earlier question.

As Sarah explained what she had seen to Walter, she noticed his face grow angrier by the minute. By the time she finished her tale, the butler had regained his composure and calmly led her with him out to the hallway, where she now found herself tailing after as Walter searched for the wayward vampire.

Walter was currently making his way down to the basement, on a straight course for Alucard's dungeon room. 'His Majesty' had been in his room since they had begun the party planning, hiding out so as not to have any of the work given to him, which had been fine by Walter and Seras.

Sarah looked about curiously, as she had never seen these lower levels before. '_Wow, this place is a lot bigger then I thought, there's a whole other section underground!'_ she poked cautiously at a few of the closed doors. '_Hmm...they all seem locked. These must all be just for storage.'_

As the two were passing the younger vampire's room, Sarah heard a faint scuffling noise coming from within. Walter seemed not to notice, as he kept dead on his course for the elder vampire's room. Sarah, her curiosity getting the better of her, stopped outside the door, placing her ear against the cool, wooden door to better hear within. The noise was muted by the thick stone walls and heavy oak door, but there was definitely something in there.

Sarah chanced a quick glance at Walter, who was farther up the hall and had not yet noticed her disappearance. '_It's probably just a rat, but still...'_ Ever the curious type, Sarah gently pushed the heavy door open.

The sight that greeted her eyes was one she would not soon forget, even were she as immortal as the vampire himself. 'Alucard', as Walter had called him, the No Life King of the undead, trump card of the Order of Royal Protestant Knights and the bane of existence to many of the Hellsing staff, was prancing around in some woman's lacy pink bra and panties, which he was wearing over his normal red attire.

Sarah, unsure whether to laugh or scream in terror, simply stood slack-jawed at the sight before her. She fell hard to the ground, her legs unable to support her any longer. She merely sat in the doorframe as Alucard began jumping on a coffin-like bed, his head banging against the upper lid with each bounce. The vampire didn't seem to mind to much, as he just kept on jumping and singing in some nonsense language that, no doubt, only he could understand. He was currently engrossed in trying to pull another pair of panties over his large, wide-brimmed hat, and failing miserably.

Meanwhile, Walter had noticed that Sarah was no longer behind him. Concerned for the young ladies safety, especially knowing that Alucard was somewhere nearby, he made his way back the way they had come, calling out for her.

As he came near Seras' room, he noticed Sarah sitting in the doorway, a mingled look of sheer terror and utter amusement on her face. Worried for her safety, he rushed forward to her side.

"Miss Sarah! What are you-" Walter abruptly stopped as he followed the shocked young servants gaze to the dancing vampire/transvestite bouncing on the bed. Never, in all his years at Hellsing, had he seen anything like it, and that was saying something.

"Wheee!" _Bonk! _"Come!" _Bonk! _"Play!" _Bonk!_ "With!" _Bonk! _"Me!" Alucard shouted to the two appalled figures in the doorway, enunciating each word with another jump into the coffin lid.

Walter looked around the room, noticing that other articles of clothing had been thrown onto the floor in a heap, make-up was scattered about on the dresser, and the Harkonnen Cannon appeared to be missing as well. Walter's gaze returned to the vampire once more before he realized just _who's_ bra and panties Alucard was modeling. The Hellsing family retainer's eyes grew big as saucers as he blushed furiously, turning away from the insane vampire to bolt out the door.

Halfway up the stairs, Walter groaned before running back down the stairs to grab young Sarah, still sitting in shock, and dragged her out of the room, slamming the door behind them.

Alucard's insane giggle chased them all the way to the upper floors.


	4. Trouble Comes Knockin'

I apologize for the wait, but here's chapter whatever we're on (Too lazy to look it up right now, it's about 3am here. Gomen nasi). Sorry it's so short. And kind of a cliffhanger. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy it. Thanks for the reviews everyone, I'm glad that some people are finding humor in it. Also, just a quick reminder since some people seem to forget easily, this fic is O-O-C. If you don't _like_ OOC, then I suggest you don't read the story. It's that simple, mmm k?

"I must say, Walter, you've been rather, well…um, lately…" Seras Victoria stumbled for the proper words to describe her friends recent odd behavior. "Are you sure you haven't been…ahem…" Seras made suspicious drinking motions with her hands, hoping she wasn't offending her friend. Upon glancing up and seeing the death-glare on Walter's face, she simply dropped her hands and left it at that, scratching her head distractedly as she chuckled nervously.

"Miss Victoria," Walter began, teeth clenched in barely restrained anger, "for the final and _last_ time, I have not been drinking, nor am I as of yet going senile. I'm telling you exactly what I saw, Lord Alucard is destroying the rooms in the underground labyrinth. Miss Sarah here can verify all that I've said!"

Sarah nodded meekly from behind Walter as he continued. "There is definitely something wrong with Lord Alucard, and we must determine the cause immediately. Sir Integra will be arriving back home tomorrow, and we've worked so hard to make this party perfect. Do you want all that work going to waste just because of this incident?"

Seras sighed and shook her head. "Your right, Walter, Master has been acting odd lately. I ran into him earlier, and he was behaving very strangely. Something has to be done about him before Sir Integra arrives. Where did you say you last saw him?" Seras fixed Walter with a curious stare.

"Ahem…well, yes…a-about that…" Walter stuttered, his face flushing a bright shade of red as he glared furiously at the black and white floor tiles.

Seras cocked her head as she stared at Walter with a curious expression. '_What's the matter with him? What a curious shade of red, I don't believe I've ever seen a color quite like that…'_

__

Sarah, who had been standing behind Walter, saw him staring at the floor and stuttering helplessly. She looked curiously between Walter and Seras, the former was currently trying her best to make sense of the poor butler's stuttering. Deciding that this could go on forever, Sarah timidly stepped out from behind Walter and cleared her throat. Seras' head shot up as though startled by the shy servants interruption, while Walter continued stuttering at the floor.

"Please excuse me, miss, but the vampire was in one of the rooms in the underground levels. From the look of it, I believe it was a young ladies room, except it had a large coffin-like bed inside. The vampire had made quite a mess of the room, though. There were women's clothes scattered all over the floor, and the vampire was wearing a few of the ladies-ahem-personal clothes…on his…head." Sarah finished nervously, unsure if the slack-jawed look she was receiving from Seras was a good or bad sign.

"_He was WHAT?! What in the HELL was he doing in MY room??" _Seras screamed in shock and rageas her anger turned to the little servant that had once again retreated behind Walter, who was cringing in fear at the young vampire's outburst.

"N-Now now, Miss Seras, please do calm down." Walter said in an attempt to calm the outraged young woman. "You can't go down there and talk with Lord Alucard if your-"

"Like HELL I'm going to calm down! He's wearing my _clothes_, Walter! And he tore my room apart?!" Seras turned an angered glare at Sarah, who nodded her confirmation from behind Walter.

"I'll find out what's wrong with Master, Walter, and I will take care of it. Master or not, he's going to pay for what he's done to my stuff! It will be avenged!"

With a defiant toss of her short blond hair, she turned on her heel and began to march down towards the lower levels, and towards her tiny room in search of her wayward Master.

Before she even reached the first step, a jarring blast was heard from the lower levels that caused the entire Hellsing Manor to shake on its very foundations. Seras lost her balance and tipped over, falling hard on the tile floor before rolling and bouncing down the stone stairs into the basement. Walter caught Sarah as she fell against him, taking them both down to the floor together.

"What was _that_?" an angry female voice demanded from the bottom of the stairs.

"Oh dear God! It came from the lower levels!" shouted Walter, pulling Sarah to her feet as they both ran down the stairs to join Seras, who was pulling herself up from the floor.

Meanwhile

"Hehehehehehe! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" A very familiar maniacal voice laughed, loading another round into the Harkonen Cannon. "Boom! Boom! BOOM! Make it go BOOM!!" Alucard laughed as he shot another hole through the wall in Seras' room.

He had taken off his usual red coat and thrown it on the floor with the other piles of clothes, leaving his traditional black suit underneath. He had put a pair of Seras' pink panties on over his own pants, and was wearing one of her pink, lacy bras over the top of his head. He had also found a very flattering shade of orange lipstick that he had applied himself, but in his inebriated state he had drawn it up far past his nose. Gotten it stuck inside his nose, as a matter of fact. He didn't seem to mind it too much, as he had found the Harkonen when he had accidentally tripped and fallen through the closet door.

He had spent several minutes trying to pull the Harkonen back through the closet door with the rest of his body, but, being solid as it was, it refused to co-operate with his efforts. In the end, he had been forced to go through the closet door and simply blast it open from the inside, rather then just opening the door from the outside.

The entire room shook with each blast, the walls enclosing Victoria's room crumbling into dust as the Harkonen shot right through the next seven rooms that were beside hers. Alucard was laughing like a lunatic as he blasted the room to pieces, yelling 'Boom' at each shot and collapsing in a helpless giggling fit before getting up and repeating it again.

He now had the hiccups from laughing so hard, and with each hiccup, another drunken bat flew out of his mouth. By the time our hero's arrived at Seras' room (or what was left of it), a swarm of tiny, drunken bats were circling around Alucard's head. Every now and then, a squeak of terror could be heard as an unlucky bat had the misfortune of flying into the path of the Harkonen.

Our three heros stood just outside the empty doorframe, staring in shock and disbelief at the scattered articles, holes in the wall, and the drunken bats; but they stared mainly at the insane vampire that had caused the entire affair.

It only took Seras a second to recover from her initial shock, as she saw exactly _which_ of her clothes Alucard had chosen to wear. She immediately charged at her Master, intent on recovering her personal items before further embarrassment resulted.

Walter came out of his shock as he saw Seras race past him and head straight for Alucard. Leaving Sarah in the doorway, he took off after the vampiress, pulling his monofilament wires out from his pocket as he entered the room.

"MOMMY!!" shouted Alucard, as he saw Seras racing towards him from the doorway, "Mommy came back!!" With that, he jumped down off the coffin-bed and proceeded to run towards Seras, arms out wide as he attempted to hug her.

Seeing her Master running towards her yelling 'mommy' again, Seras skidded to a halt and turned tail to run, fear quickly replacing her anger.

"No, no, please!! Not again! Make him go awaaaaaay!!" Seras pleaded as Alucard caught up to her, picking her up off the ground and squeezing her like a giant teddy bear.

Walter grabbed Alucard from behind, trying to pry the elder vampire's arms off his fledgling before he accidentally killed her…again.

Alucard seemed not to notice Walter's presence as he began to swing Seras around and around the room, swatting drunken bats in all directions.

Walter ducked, dodged and jumped to avoid the onslaught of the tiny critters, but was repeatedly hit by the flying projectiles, knocking him into the only part of the wall that was still standing. Until he crashed through it.

Sarah, meanwhile, had stood in the doorway the whole time, watching first Seras and then Walter lose to the insane Alucard. Overcome by fear, she fled the lower levels, seeking a hiding spot up on the main floor of the manor, and leaving the other two to the mercies of Alucard.

Meanwhile, upstairs

The main gates of the Hellsing estate opened with a soft squeaking noise to allow a fancy black car entrance to the manor. It pulled up to the main doors and the driver exited, walking around to the passenger side to open the rear door for the occupant inside.

A tall blonde woman with ice blue eyes and wearing a man's tailored suit stepped out of the car, looking quite perturbed. Her right eye twitched in anger as she glared up at the manor and began climbing the steps.

How dare_ they send _me_ to the very northern, godforsaken part of this bloody isle for _nothing!_ They will pay dearly for this little 'prank' and I shall see to it personally! I'm sure Alucard had a part in this, and probably dragged the Police Girl in on it as well, but _Walter_?! Of all the people to betray me, I never thought I'd see the day he would…_

__

Sir Integra silently fumed as she ripped the front doors open and stepped inside, venomous daggers shooting from her crystalline blue eyes as she scanned the empty main hall.

Uh oh, cliffhanger! Oooooh I'm evil. Yep. But really, I am sorry about that. Possibly. Not. Anyways, I'll have the next chapter up really soon. Until then!


	5. Here Comes the Calvary

I'm really sorry I haven't updated for so long, and I honestly don't have a great excuse for it either. I can't really promise the next chapter anytime soon, either. I have about 5 minutes of free time everyday between work and school, but I'll figure out some way to finish this story soon, probably the next chapter will be the last. I've also been working on two other 'Hellsing' stories while finishing this chapter, so they'll probably be posted sometime within the next few weeks. Anyways, enough from me, here's the chapter:

In the underground labyrinth that was home to the Hellsing family's pet vampires, utter chaos was ensuing.

Alucard has released his young fledgling mid-spin, and she had crashed landed on top of an already battered-looking Walter, who let out a muffled 'oomph' as the stunned vampire's weight pinned him down.

"Miss Victoria....please....AIR!" Walter gasped as he tried to shove a stunned and limp Seras off of him.

Alucard, meanwhile, had stopped spinning and had fallen heavily to the ground, chuckling manically at nothing in particular. The few remaining bats gathered above him, flying in lazy circles around his head.

Walter managed to roll Seras off and get to his feet, pulling her along with him as he scrambled towards the remains of the doorway, deciding a hasty retreat was the best course of action while the elder vampire was down.

Walter paused in the doorway, unable to pull Seras any farther. Kneeling down beside the unconscious vampire, he began to shake her vigorously.

"Please Miss Victoria! You must get up, now's our chance to escape while Alucard's down!" Walter begged furiously.

Seras slowly opened her eyes as she regained consciousness. She blinked in confusion as she looked up at Walter's concerned face. "Walter? What happened? Where's Master?"

She propped herself up on her elbows and looked around at the destruction and rubble that used to be her room. She spotted her Master passed out in the center of the room with the tiny bats circling around his head. Groaning, she let her head fall back onto the cold stone floor.

Meanwhile, Walter was begging her to get to her feet and run while they still could. He pulled her to her feet and dragged her out the door.

Seras shook her arm free and walked back towards her Master. "No, Walter. Now's our chance to get him back in his coffin. He'll stay there and sleep it off until the sun goes down. Hopefully by then he'll be fine."

Walter shook his head doubtfully, but hesitantly followed Seras back inside.

"Just grab his legs and I'll grab his arms. We can carry him back to his room then. There's a hole there off to the left that goes into his room, I think." Seras instructed, grabbing Alucard by the arms and shooing the bats away from his head.

Walter grabbed Alucard by the legs and began to lift the vampire king. He immediately dropped him again when the vampire began to mumble and kick his legs.

"Oh dear Lord. No, no, please no..." Walter cried, backing away from Alucard.

Seras also let go of Alucard's arms when he began to stir, dropping him hard on the stone floor as she also backed away, her arms raised in defense.

Alucard woke up on the floor, staring blankly at the ceiling as the bats returned to circle above his head. Slowly, he climbed to his feet, cackling manically at the ceiling as Seras and Walter huddled in fear against the door.

Meanwhile

In the upstairs rooms of the manor, Integra wandered aimlessly, looking for any signs of her pet vampires or butler. As she neared the main hall of the house, she noticed that most of the rooms were dark. As she entered the darkened main hall, she strode confidently into the room. She felt around the wall for the switch to the lights. Finally feeling it in the dark, she switched it on.

"SURPRISE!"

The lights revealed a room full of people standing in front of a large banner that was hung on the back wall that read 'Happy Surprise Birthday, Sir Integra!'.

Integra took a step back, shocked by all of the people inside the room. For once in her life, she was left totally speechless.

Off to her right was a table full of brightly wrapped gifts and off to the left were tables full of food. All the staff members and soldiers were present, and there were bright balloons and streamers hung everywhere.

Integra was beaming with happiness inside, but on the outside all she would allow was a small smile as she recovered from the initial shock. She looked in the crowd for Walter and Seras. She was pretty sure they'd have forced Alucard into this, too. At this thought, her smiled turned into a fully evil grin, causing the closest of the guests to take a hesitant step back in fear.

After several seconds, she hadn't spotted Walter or Seras in the crowd, and she couldn't sense Alucard in the room either. A few of the braver guests had come forward to congratulate Integra, while the others headed straight for the food tables. She questioned a few of the guests about the three missing people, but they hadn't seen any of them in quite some time. More then a few of them told her about noises and explosions from the lower levels, and she made a mental note to check for her 'friends' in the basement later.

As Integra began to warm up to the party and was heading towards the tables of food, Sarah came bursting into the room. She looked around the room wildly, just noticing the party that was occurring. She recognized Integra, who was talking to some soldiers, and immediately ran over to her.

"Sir Integra, please come with me, quickly! You're the only one who can control him, he's gone mad!" Sarah pleaded, grabbing Integra by the arm and trying to drag her to the door.

"What the-" Integra stared in shock at the disheveled young lady who was dragging her by the arm. Shaking her arm free of Sarah's grip, Integra calmly straightened her sleeve. In her mind, she was fairly certain of whom Sarah was speaking of. There was only one person in the house she could think of that who would be described as 'mad'.

Sighing in resignation, she turned and gestured to the soldiers behind her. "You men, come with me. We may require your assistance." Turning back to Sarah, she gestured for her to lead the way. "Alright, where is my vampire?"

Back in the basement

Alucard was continuing his reign of terror and destruction in the basement. Seras had had the sense to grab the Harkonen away from Alucard while he was out, and he was now looking for it again. The bats were still buzzing wildly over his head, but he seemed not to notice or mind them to much.

Seras and Walter huddled in the corner, apparently forgotten by Alucard for the moment. Across the room, Seras could see her Harkonen half-buried by the rubble and debris that littered her room. She poked Walter softly to get his attention and nodded with her head in the direction of the cannon. Walter looked over and spotted the cannon, and nodded back to Seras.

"On the count of three...one...two...THREE!"

Walter and Seras made a mad scramble for the cannon, both of the skidding and sliding along the debris-ridden floor and landing in a heap on the other side of the room. They began to dig the cannon out, Walter digging and Seras removing the larger pieces of stone.

Alucard turned abruptly at their sudden movement-so abruptly that he stumbled and nearly fell again-squinting hard at the two figures. Suddenly, he fell backwards in a panic, scrambling away into a far corner of the room, where he hugged his knees and rocked back and forth, pulling his wide-brimmed hat down over his eyes as he whimpered.

Seras and Walter were so shocked by this that they halted their digging project, turning to stare at the elder vampire in amazement, unsure whether it was a trick or some new game he had devised.

Seras cocked her head in confusion as she stared at her Master. She figured that she would never understand him, despite her best efforts.

Walter, however, traced the frightened vampires gaze back to the doorway-what remained of it, at least. When his eyes met the sight there, he went rigid, grabbing Seras' arm and turning her around to face the doorway.

Seras was busy scrutinizing her Master when Walter grabbed her arm. "Wha-?" Seras' question died on her lips as she saw the very pissed-off looking Sir Integra standing in the doorway with her arms crossed over her chest. Several well-armed soldiers stood behind Integra, looking very unhappy to be charged to this particular assignment…


End file.
